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STAND UP 101

Al Smith Dinner

Comedy is a delicate business and should be left to the trained professionals. So the next time Donald Trump announces his intention to be purposefully amusing in a public setting, we need to respond properly, and that proper response is: “God. No. Please. In the Name of all that is holy, stop. Don’t do it. Think of the children.”

The day after the final presidential debate, at the Al Smith Dinner at the Waldorf- Astoria, the two major party candidates were invited to tell some jokes, and to say the results were underwhelming is like inferring that gravel dusted with uranium flakes makes a non- nutritious breakfast cereal even swimming in milk.

Bill Clinton and Barack Obama were good at this sort of thing. It’s called a routine for a reason. And when George W Bush and Mitt Romney are held up as comedic geniuses, you know something has gone horribly awry.

Hillary Clinton couldn’t tell a joke if the life of a small Haitian child depended on it, but gamely persevered and got off a couple of decent zingers. A few at her own expense. But once again, Donald Trump seemed intent on disrupting another grand old tradition: the one that involves attaching punch lines to the end of jokes.

You’d think a clown would have better timing. And make- up. Especially Mr. Hometown Boy whose big claim is being able to read a room. This campaign apparently has blinded him so badly he needs Lasik surgery.

Also he failed to demonstrate the faintest notion of how to deal with a heckler. So, perhaps a few classic lines can be offered up should the occasion arise again. This could possibly happen in another four years.

  • Oh yeah, well if you’re so smart, how come I’m President?
  • I’m sorry sir, are you a Democrat? I’ll talk slower.
  • Nice shirt. Somewhere in Yonkers, there’s a Pinto without seat covers.
  • Is that your face or are you celebrating Halloween early?
  • Further proof why kids shouldn’t play football without helmets.
  • Don’t mess with me, I got a microphone, I’ll just make up stuff you said.
  • Easy to see why he’s excited. His colonoscopy report came back. Good news: they found his head.
  • Do I come to your work and knock the broom out of your hand?
  • Save your breath. You’ll need it to blow up your date.
  • The 70s called. They want their hair back.
  • I’d love to have a battle of wits, but my daddy taught me never to fight an unarmed man.
  • Definitive proof that Darwin was wrong.
  • Oh, yeah, you and what focus group?
  • Please sir, put down the gun.
  • That’s all right. I remember my first glass of cheap champagne too.
  • Oh, I’m sorry sir, are you a Republican? I’ll talk slower.
  • Excuse me sir, your village called, they want their idiot back.
  • Usually when people donate their brain to science, they wait till they’re dead.
  • Another example of why political consultants eat their young.
  • Anybody here speak Quaalude?
  • I’m sorry but the moron convention met yesterday. In France.
  • Isn’t it a shame when Hillary supporters marry?
  • Do you talk to your third wife with that mouth?
  • I understand a bus for your hometown is leaving soon. Why don’t you and Elizabeth Warren get under it?

Copyright © 2016, Will Durst.


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